Surreal

Lately my life has felt like a Salvador Dali painting - everything melting and misshapen. I've had to detach myself from feeling too much because it would be overwhelming.

I know I can't do the detachment thing for too long, or I will go back to that numb, dark place I lived in for so long. I've adjusted my fibro meds to deal with the increased pain I'm having - chronic pain will drag you down quickly. I see both my primary physician and my rheumy next week, and I will talk about increasing my depression/pain meds. I used to take 2 a day and went down to 1 a day a long time ago. I think I need to boost it again, just to keep myself on an even keel. I'm struggling right now.

It all started on Halloween night, went I took my mother to the ER for non-stop vomiting and stomach pain. She stayed a week, was sent home to get stronger before hernia surgery but went back to the ER when the symptoms came back. She had surgery on 11/12 and has made an amazing recovery.

While she was in the hospital, a routine chest x-ray detected something in both her lungs. A lung biopsy confirmed that it is cancer. Further study showed that it is breast cancer - metastasized from when she was treated for breast cancer 16 years ago. During her hernia surgery, they found more cancer on the outside of her intestine. It is the same type.

Fortunately, this cancer responds well to estrogen-blocking drugs. Her treatment (for now) is meds, not chemo. They can't cure her, but her prognosis is years, not months. We found out all this yesterday. It was really tough, waiting to find out what the prognosis and treatment would be. We feared the worst, so all this is good news.

In the meantime, we managed to have a nice Thanksgiving. It was my birthday as well, and for the first time I did not cook the turkey - George did, with help from Mom. It was great to relax all day and have a wonderful meal.

George and I both awoke at 4 am on Black Friday. For the first time EVER we ventured forth - not to buy anything in particular, but to see all the people. It was quite interesting.

We went to bed around 11 pm, and the phone rang a few minutes later. I assumed it was George's work calling about some problem at the plant. It was his brother Dave in NJ, telling him that his father was found dead at work.

George has always been my rock, through all the drama that I have experienced. I do my best to support him, but he doesn't think he needs much support. His relationship with his family, especially his father, has always been rocky, but there was no doubt that they cared deeply for one another. There was just major dysfunction - just as most families have, I am convinced.

The shock of Joe's death was stunning. We went on auto-pilot, getting plane tickets to Philadelphia, pulling out winter clothes to pack. We arrived less than 18 hours after we got the news.

At first George wanted me to stay home with my mom. I finally convinced him that she had recovered enough from her surgery, her friend Dot could drive her for groceries, etc., and that my place was with him. Thankfully, he agreed without much fight.

I had to return on Wednesday to take my mom to dr. appointments. He stayed until Saturday, working with his brothers to take care of financial stuff, fix up his mom's house, and getting her out and about when she could handle it.

Now we are both back at work, trying to piece things together. He was already fighting depression (in my opinion) before all this happened but refused to talk with anyone about it. Now I can really see it. I am hoping that he will consider going to the doctor for some help, but in the meantime I'm just trying to be there for him.

I'm trying to be there for everyone. Helping Mom deal with the fact that her cancer has come back with a vengeance after all this time. Being there for George when and if he decides to talk. Lending an ear and a shoulder to my folks at work - I've always been the sounding board and Mother Confessor for the office.

Overwhelmed is the way I would describe my frame of mind. But I'm trying really hard to keep that feeling from drowning me. I'm trying to knit for relaxation. Yoga class on Thursday evening is a goal. Acupuncture on Saturday will be wonderful.

And getting all this out here, in this huge post, is therapeutic.