A bit of back story

I can't believe I'm actually starting a blog. I am so not a blogger, but I need somewhere to keep my musings.

I've been through a difficult time. Since February 1, 2003, my world has been a constant barrage of Hard Stuff. When my father passed away on April 14, 2004, I thought the Hard Stuff was over. What I'm realizing now is that it has only just begun (with apologies to the Carpenters).

By necessity and ingrained habit, I put my emotions on hold as I faced each challenge. The Columbia Shuttle accident (I work at the Johnson Space Center). Figuring out how to run a Mishap Review Team for the accident. Seeing the people I trusted at work be thrown out, one by one, to be replaced (in some cases) by poor substitutes with much less knowledge and only a fraction of ability.

My father's diagnosis of myelodysplastic syndrome, a form of leukemia. His hospitalization. My mother's rush to the ER with an intestinal blockage and her subsequent emergency surgery. My father being admitted to the same hospital while mom was still there. Hearing Dad fall in the shower while I was on the phone with my mom. His stay in ICU. His whacko doctor. The insurance battle to get Dad to the right facility for treatment.

Dad's treatment. Twice weekly blood transfusions. The treatment that didn't work and made him sicker. His diagnosis of Stage IV lung cancer. Finding out that there were no treatment options for him. Watching him slowly fade away...

My boss retiring and an astro-snot who doesn't know anything about what we do taking over. Getting an attack of shingles - on both sides of my face.

Watching as my Dad took his last breath.

Seeing my mother's world fall apart.

When I was young, I learned that it was easier to bury my emotions and keep on going. Problem is, things build up inside until there's an explosion or a total meltdown. I am having lots of strange physical symptoms that point to fibromyalgia (I am grateful that lupus and rheumatoid arthritis have been ruled out). I'm teetering on the edge right now, so maybe just posting my random thoughts will help me creep back from the edge and slowly get on with Life.

We'll see...