To Be Fair

I need to write a follow-up to my mean-spirited venting last night about my dear husband and his alleged non-supportiveness.

We had a wonderful talk this evening (hard to do now that we have Mom underfoot) and came to a much better understanding of what we each meant and where we were coming from. What I read as unsupportiveness on his part was really caution and wanting to make sure I thought everything through. This man has witnessed me go off enthusiastically in a million different directions in the past 25 years, and quit, withdraw, burn out, etc. time after time. He was trying to get me to think about, what's different this time?

Once we were able to talk unreservedly, I was able to tell him all that I was considering, and that very question has been utmost in my mind. Taking time off from work to just sit on my butt and watch Mom sit on her butt would be ludicrous. Yet past experience shows that I am fully capable of such a thing.

In my heart of hearts, I know that I am in a much different place that I've been in the past. Plus, I have a definite, conservative plan of what comes next, for physical and mental rehab. Conservative, to make sure I don't jump in gung ho and fizzle out yet again. Definite (down to making appointments with myself) to ensure I don't withdraw.

I feel so much better that we were able to understand each other. We are so rarely at odds on the important things that I become totally off-balance when I think it is happening. I should know better - it is usually the communication (both sending and receiving) that is lacking, not our essential connection.

So, I am probably going to take the rest of the month of September off, and then go back to work part time 2.5 days per week. On the days I am off, I will truly be off - not firing off e-mails and calling Florida and Alabama to check on stuff. This plan will allow me to deal with Mom's move in the next few weeks, plus establish the yoga and exercise schedule I have decided upon, while catching up on some rest too. Then, I'll be able to continue that base as I ease back to work. When/whether I go back to full time will remain to be seen.

All this is tentative. Much depends upon what Mom's cardiologist says tomorrow. Her heart rate and blood pressure have been doing so well, I really hope they say she doesn't need the pacemaker operation at this time. She is really dreading going back to the hospital for major surgery, although she'll do it willingly if they say it is necessary.