Time to Make Some Decisions

Bear with me if I don't blog much in the coming days. I have to face up to some issues involving my work and make some decisions about my career.

It is time for me to decide if I am capable of, or willing to, keep my current position. The stress is continuing to take a huge toll on my physical health and mental outlook. It's not getting better - it is getting worse. Somehow, I have been given responsibilities much greater than my pay grade. In the past, I've always accepted increasing responsibility because I felt it showed that I was trusted and it made me feel validated.

My attitude towards work has been shifting over the past 2 years, and I no longer rely on my job to define my self-worth. That has been a good change. However, my position now demands much more of me than I am willing to give - and I wonder if I am even capable of giving what is required.

When I first was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, I was terrified at the prospect of becoming disabled and unable to work. So many of the people with FM that I've met or communicated with have been forced to give up their jobs.

Lately, I've been thinking longingly of taking a month off from work and getting myself physically and emotionally healthier. I spoke to 2 trusted friends at work and they are encouraging me to do it. They see the toll that the work stress is taking on me.

In trying to think it through, I realize that even if I took a short sabbatical, I would be coming back to the same unhealthy situation at work. Distressingly, I think I am going to have to look for another job. My first inclination is to search for another, less stressful position in my current organization. I have quite a few years of employment with the government and the benefits can't be beat (especially with my medical condition). My work is highly specialized, so it won't translate very easily into the private sector.

Last week I had a terrible nightmare. I dreamed that we returned to flight and another disaster occurred. In my dream, they wanted me to take up the same position on the mishap response team, since I had experience from the Columbia accident investigation. I collapsed in the dream and woke up crying hysterically.

I need to make a change. Soon.