OK - Pity Party Over

I'm done whining. I can't stand myself when I get like this. It's time to stop feeling helpless and get back in charge of my life.

There are things I cannot control (the fibromyalgia, other people); things I can control (what I do, how I react); and things I can't control but I can sure as hell influence (relieving symptoms by doing the things I need to do).

My poor husband is supportive but frustrated. He doesn't understand why I get this mental block every once in a while where I feel overwhelmed and helpless and just withdraw. Well, we have that in common - I don't know why I do it either, but at least I'm recognizing it now.

I don't know if anyone else can truly understand the fatigue and tiredness that come along with a chronic pain condition, if they don't know first-hand. Knowing that I need to do certain things to help my condition, and actually overcoming the inertia to actually do them, are two different things. I'm fortunate in that I feel like I could handle the pain (i.e., ignore it as much as possible) if I could just get rested up and find a speck of energy.

This morning's appointment with the rheumy was pretty good. She's changing one of my meds, and....she's sending me for a sleep evaluation. She strongly suspects that one of my problems is sleep apnea, which prevents me from getting to the restorative phase of sleep (as does FM) and also prevents my blood from being completely oxygenated. Dr. S said she's sorry that she didn't send me for the sleep evaluation before. Yeah, well, me too.

Of course, everything would get better if I could just exercise more and lose weight. Tell me something I don't know already, doc. If I had a thimbleful of energy, I'd be out walking in the sunshine. I wouldn't crave the caffeine and carbs that seem to promise an energy lift but cruelly boomerang.

End-of-the-semester school stress and anxiety, from which I've always suffered, isn't helping me any, but I just have to hold on for May 9th. Hold on, and get my work done and turned in.

So, I've made the decision NOT to be overwhelmed any more.

Rather than try to take on a complete lifestyle change - again - I'm making tiny modifications. I know where I want to get to - so I'm taking the tiniest baby steps, day by day. And each morning, I'm going to take a few minutes to think about what I really want to accomplish that day. Not tasks, or chores, or errands, but what is my priority. Right now, it has to be my health. By reminding myself of that, I think I'll be better equipped for making choices, rather than going on auto-pilot.

I can do this.