Another Year Older- Any Wiser?

Another year older, any wiser?

Yesterday was my 43rd birthday. I have no preconceived notions of how I should be at age 43. It’s strangely freeing. I’m comfortable with being over 40, and fifty is far enough away not to be scary. I have no expectations of what the coming year will bring, and I realize that I have the power to make of it what I will.

I survived the past year, which was filled with incredible stress and sadness, but when I look back on it I am overwhelmed with feelings of love and personal growth. I learned how much I am loved by family and friends. I learned that love means letting go of a much-cherished father when it was his time to go. I learned that love isn’t just a feeling, it’s really an action. I learned that loving myself means taking care of my health and emotional well-being.

A few years ago, my therapist asked me who I would be if I didn’t work. At the time, I was stumped. I was defining myself, my identity and my self-worth almost completely by my work. It has been an ongoing process, but I feel like I’ve finally arrived at a point where I know myself and value myself, not by what I do but who I am. Because of some events many years ago (childhood sexual abuse), unconsciously I decided that I wasn’t worth very much. Emotions were too much for me to handle, so I began living in my head, and cutting off my connections to my heart. It is an ongoing journey, but I have finally renewed that connection and my life is much richer as a result.

I’m another year older. I don’t know if I’m any wiser, but I am much more alive, and I’ll accept it. Being alive means pain, but it also means great joy. I’ll take all life has to offer.