A friend recently asked me, "How are you feeling, Kathy?" My response was, I'm doing fine, the surgery scars are healing nicely, I'm getting some energy back.
The truthful answer? I'm feeling....inadequate. Incompetent. Not good enough. As a wife, a daughter, a friend, at work, at school, everywhere.
I'm having a hard time catching up with my housework, my paid work, my school work. As a result, I never seem to have enough time to spend with my husband, my mom, my friends. Every time I think I'm beginning to catch up, another whammy strikes and I'm all off-balance again.
My confidence in myself has been shaken. I'm not exactly sure why, but at least I can name what I'm feeling. I've spent so much of my life hiding my feelings, from myself and others, that this is a good step forward for me.
Too bad it feels so damn uncomfortable and scary.
I was thinking of taking a few more days off from work, just to start feeling some control over my life again, but that's not happening. Mike, my real boss, is leaving Friday for a 2 week trip to England. I'm his replacement unit, so in addition to being behind on my own responsibilities, I get to be behind on things I know very little about (parts of his job that I'm not usually involved with). He's giving me large data dumps every few hours so I can be as prepared as possible. It just doesn't seem like enough, though.
How am I coping? I'm just out-and-out ignoring some things. I took a short, slow walk on my treadmill last night for the first time in ages. And today, I am eating everything in sight that won't make me terribly sick. I recognize this is no way to care for myself, so I'm trying to think of some better ways to cope. Any suggestions would be welcome.
PS - I know I will get over this feeling soon, but I can't help hating it while it's here.
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3 comments:
Time to take a step back and dial your thoughts all back down to zero. I have two key concepts for you today.
1. As a human being, the only thing that is truly *required* of you is to keep breathing. The rest is detail. Focus on the breathing. As long as you are breathing, you are a successful human. I know it sounds stupid, but this concept has gotten me through some rough moments. Are you breathing? Are you succeeding? Good.
Keep breathing. Are you breathing? Then you are successful! Good! Now, concept number two.
2. Your best is your best. Do you best. You can't do more than your best.
Hang in there!!
I loved KatieK's advice. She is absolutely right - just breath.
Sometimes being human is a little overwhelming but just remember what KatieK said...Your best is your best. You aren't super human yaknow.
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