On My Mind

I've been dreaming about my Dad a lot lately.

In the 2 1/2 years since he died, I have dreamed about him a few times - quite a few times, I guess - and it has always been good dreams. Comforting.

These dreams lately have been different. Upsetting. Disquieting. Definitely not comforting.

In the past, I sometimes dreamed that he came back, he hadn't really died. I think that is probably fairly common.

Lately, I dream that he is still alive, but just barely. It is like going through his dying all over again, in a much more drawn out way than it really happened. Of course, this was after a year of blood transfusions, platelets and infusions 3-4 times per week. In reality, the last stage of his life, where he really went downhill physically, lasted on from a Saturday until Wednesday, when he died. He was only on home hospice care for a week.

In my dreams, it is going on and on and on. Each night.

It's becoming quite difficult to be my usual, cheerful and sunny self.

I know why all this is coming up right now. There is a situation at work which involves rehashing a lot of stuff that happened right at the time my dad was sick. I'm sure that's what is triggering this stuff right now.

But it still sucks.