Fibro-fog, or cognitive difficulties, are really getting me down. I know to expect “brain farts” or memory lapses, but it is such a change for me. The biggest emotional issue I have is, THIS IS NOT ME. I am recognizing how I am now – fatigued, in pain, having to be careful about certain foods, and having to write everything down – so I am more self aware. But it is so foreign to my self concept.
I have always excelled at multi-tasking, juggling, rapidly analyzing a situation and determining what needs to be done. It feels like that is all gone. The people at work keep encouraging me that I am doing great work still, but it’s not what I used to be able to do.
Relationships, of course, are affected when you have a chronic disease. George says we’ll get through this together, as we do everything, but sometimes I’m so caught up with my stuff that I know I’m not being the wife he needs. His work is so demanding right now, and I don’t want to add to his stress with my problems.
My mom thinks that all this was caused by my parents moving to Texas 2 years ago. I love my mom, but she is a true martyr and thinks everything revolves around her most of the time. She sympathizes with my pain, and then talks for hours about all the pain she had from her cancer treatment, mastectomy, and subsequent physical therapy. I’ve heard it all a thousand times and admire her so very much, but it doesn’t help me or encourage me at all. Then I feel totally guilty for having these thoughts.
Katie, I’m having such a hard time sorting out my present in light of my diagnosis that I have not begun to address my past, or even more fearfully, the future. But I’m making baby steps forward. Thanks for letting me emote.
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2 comments:
Thank you for sharing what you are going through Kathy. It sounds SO disheartning, I hope that by sharing it can lift the burdens of guilt, depression and all the confusion you must be going through.
Continue to post how you are feeling so that you can be HEARD by those of us who care deeply for you. Please let me know if there is any old thing at all that I can help with. Feel free to rant, rave, and share all you need to as you continue down this new journey in life. (love and hugs)
Of course first you have to get the present stabilized before being able to think about the past. My BP goes back to when I was 14 or so, so it is a much bigger chunk of time. I've basically had to write it all off, which I must say helps me in my efforts to live strictly in the present...Is FM a permanent condition, or do people make recoveries?
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