Rediscovery

Did the Christmas Eve snow wash me clean? I feel like I’m seeing more clearly now. I’ve been in such a funk, for months now. I’ve had such a feeling of powerlessness. I’ve resisted trying to improve my health, lose weight, and organize my life because deep down, I did not believe I was capable of it. I didn’t even realize it, but now I know that I lost my belief in myself, in my ability to take charge of my life.

When did I make that decision? I don’t think it was one event, it’s been the series of events over the past 2 years. I had to concentrate on just getting through the curve balls that life was throwing me. I’m proud that I have survived, but I definitely lost my confidence in myself. It was a new-found self-confidence, too. I had worked very hard to come to terms with my past and finally found a new understanding and respect for myself. Maybe I haven’t lost it – I’ve just lost touch with it. I feel like there’s a glimmer of hope, and it feels really good.

I know that I have grown through all my experiences, good and bad. They have all shaped me into the person I am today and I don’t regret any of it. But it’s time for me to trust in myself again.

I've resisted treating myself well recently because those old tapes were playing in my mind, faintly enough so I wasn't aware but influential just the same. "You don't deserve to be treated well, even by yourself." What lies I've told myself, what lies I've accepted as truth. Well, I'm back in charge of Me again, and I'm not gonna take it any more!

First step: Massage, once a month. I enjoy it, it's good for my fibromyalgia as well as my stress level. I've been promising myself to do this but I never seem to get around to it. No more. I have an appointment for tomorrow afternoon, and when I leave I'm going to book my next appointment for 4 weeks. No more excuses.

I'm going to baby-step my way to health and well-being. I'm on my way again, and it feels good.