Just not into it

I'm just not into anything right now. Spring is here, and I should be planting some flowers in the bare patches by the front door, but going to the garden center and selecting the type of flower to plant seems like too much effort.

Housework just isn't giving me a thrill. I'm ignoring it as much as possible.

Work - I'm thinking it might be time to consider a career change. As much as I love the space program, I'm not sure I am cut out for it anymore. The constant pressure and stress doesn't energize me as it used to - it just wears me down.

I'm trying to maintain friendships, but it's hard. I went to lunch with Cindy on Saturday for the first time in months. All she could talk about was how tired she was because her cats were keeping her awake at night and her allergies were bothering her. Not once did she ask about my condition or how I was coping with things. I was almost too fatigued to get mad about it.

My mom needs me. She is having a tough time emotionally right now, but she won't talk to me about it much because she doesn't want to burden me. She doesn't want to take advantage of the counseling that hospice offers either. I feel so responsible for her, like I should be able to help her more. I feel like I'm letting her, and my Dad, down by not being a good enough daughter.

I'm also tired of feeling so whiny and despondent. Just when I think an upswing is happening, something else hits me and brings me down. This applies to emotional as well as physical stuff.

I get to have an IVP test performed on my kidneys tomorrow, to see if a kidney malfunction is causing me to have blood in my urine (sorry if TMI). This has been a recurring problem for me for a long time. I believe it is connected to my fibromyalgia in some way, but as in everything else, we have to rule out other things first.

I've had the test before and it's easy. They just hook you up to an IV, wait for a while, and then take a bunch of images in different positions. I didn't know all the details before I had my first IVP and worked myself up quite a bit by imagining them sticking things in me in all kinds of ways. I'm a big chicken about medical procedures.

In preparation for the test, I have to be on a clear liquid diet for 24 hours, plus a bunch of other stuff I'd rather not discuss. So far the diet is OK. I'm trying to see it as a fast-and-cleanse process that will allow toxins to leave my body. I must be giddy from lack of caffeine and real food. Jello, sprite, and broth is not my idea of a good meal but I can handle it.

Just so this entry is not totally negative - I am enjoying my rediscovered cross stitch hobby. I've almost completed my current project and have a pretty new design waiting to begin. Now that's something to look forward to.