My Struggle, Part 2

I felt like I took a real emotional risk by posting about my struggle a few days ago. It took me a long time to admit all that stuff to myself, and putting it in black and white for others to see was a big step for me.

I feel like I need to add some more information. The journey I have been on over the past few years has helped me get to know myself in a much deeper way. It helped me realize that I can be less than perfect and it's still OK. I am much more comfortable with myself than I have ever been in my life. If life had been somewhat normal over the past 2 years, I think I would be in a much better place and probably would have done the work I need to do to deal with my overeating/weight problems.

Of course, my friends know that the past 2 years have been quite unusual, to say the least. The Shuttle accident rocked my work world, and my emotional world, in ways that I could have never imagined. The amount of work, and the intensity of the investigation, was mind-boggling. It felt as if everything that had been secure in my work life (and I was relying on my work life to assure my value as a person) was turned upside down.

Just as I became immersed in the Columbia investigation, my father was diagnosed with a form of leukemia. His treatments, and subsequent diagnosis of lung cancer, shifted my perspective on life and living completely. I re-evaluated my entire value system and came to some important realizations.

I'm not repeating all this to say, Poor Me. What I have come to understand is: if all this hadn't happened, I may have had more time and energy to devote to my personal "growth." However, the adversity I faced demanded that I develop a keener understanding of the value of balance in life and shift my perspective on life and death. In these ways, I have grown tremendously as a human. While I didn't deal with my eating/overweight issues, I learned so much more through the trials. Although I would rather have not gone through this heartache, I can see that it has all worked for my good, in the end. I am a more compassionate and more loving person than I was before.

If I had not done the emotional and mental work about my past issues a few years ago, I really don't know whether I would have survived the past 2 years. I don't think I would have been ready, or open, to the lessons I've learned about myself, others and the world in general.

I thought I would be able to get back to my healing journey but took a detour when my health became an issue for me. I was really thrown off-balance by finding out I have a chronic disease. But I am realizing this is the next lesson I had to learn, or have reinforced. It is forcing me to evaluate my life and realize that I can take control and choose where I expend my limited energy, to make my life be the way I want (within my physical limitations). It has taken a little while, but I'm feeling a lot better emotionally now.

So, now it's time for me to face up to this unhealthy eating I do and delve into the real reasons for it. Maybe I needed to do all this growth before I could finally face the issue. I'm feeling optimistic that I'm better equipped to be successful now, at this point in my life, than I have ever been.

I'm going to do this, and be successful.

I know this in my heart of hearts.

And that's what is different this time.