A few days ago, I sent a friend a message about the path I've been down over the past few years, particularly in connection with compulsive eating and being overweight. She encouraged me to share it on my blog in case it might ring true, or familiar anyway, to someone else. So I'm taking the plunge, Trudi, with just a few edits. Thanks for the encouragement. I've always felt like my experience is so different than anyone else's could possibly be. It's strange to think that others might see similarities in themselves....
Some time ago, through therapy, I realized that I hold myself to unrealistically high standards, higher than I would ever expect someone else to aspire to. I think I set myself up for failure that way, because in some strange way I felt like I need to beat myself up, that I deserve to beat myself up. That was a huge admission for me to make.
For years, I would never admit that I felt like I deserved "less than." I knew I should love myself, that I was a worthy person, all that stuff. I knew it, but in my heart of hearts I didn't believe it. That stuff was good for other people, but I knew and felt I was different (and not in a good way) from other people. For a variety of reasons - childhood sexual abuse, for one reason, but there were lots of other reasons too.
When I finally gave myself permission to take anti-depressant meds, and began work on the CSA stuff I thought OK, I'm taking positive steps. I felt good about taking those positive steps. I thought, I'm getting my problems fixed. So, why didn't I feel better? Why wasn't my life turning around? I was going through all this pain of facing the past, facing myself -- what did I have to show for it?
All I can offer is my experience, and encouragement. This is not a linear progression, as the engineers say. You don't just move up, step by step. Oh, I wanted a checklist - Ok, I do this and this and this, and I'm all better. I wanted to get an A on working my way through depression and post-traumatic stress disorder (which is my official "mental" diagnosis from the sexual abuse). It doesn't work that way.
Taking the meds allows us to look at some deep dark ugly stuff that we spent a lifetime suppressing in one way or another. Being able to look at it and work on it IS progress, by definition. But it doesn't mean your life, the workings of your mind, and your emotions will all suddenly improve. They WILL improve. I wanted it to be like a light switch - OK, I've lit the deep dark recesses of my psyche, everything should be alright now. But it is a much more gradual process.
I have come a long way in this journey but I still have so far to go. I hate that I'm still dealing with weight and eating issues, but I am. I have trouble defining success, especially when it comes to being healthy. For instance, my walking program says I should start out at 10 minutes, 3 times a week. Inside my head, I have found that little voice saying, what good will that do? You know that's not enough! You're a failure if you don't get your heart rate in the target zone at least 5 times a week! So I tend to do nothing.
Well, I'm changing that. I started the program, and did only 10 minutes on Saturday and 10 minutes Tuesday. I'm talking back to that voice in my head and saying, I've got to start somewhere, and this is where I need to be. This defines success for me at this point in time. It's so hard. That voice has been ruling my life for so long, I'm not conscious of what self-hating monologue is constantly going on. I'm constantly falling short of what I "should" be doing (according to that self-critical voice) so then I feel worthless again. It takes a lot of energy, a lot of diligence, and a lot of compassion for myself to silence that voice. But I'm confident I can do it.
I'm still turning to bingeing on comfort foods - but I'm consciously stopping myself before I eat the whole bag of cheetos or cookies. And I'm doing it less. I'm treating that as a victory, rather than saying to myself - I can't believe you're doing this again, you're no good, as I did in the past. Actually, I still think those things but catch myself doing it. I think that's the key to breaking the habit.
I'm trying to change my focus. If I only make good choices for an afternoon, that's progress. If I slide back into old habits after a few days, at least I showed myself that I can do it for a little longer.
I'm at that point right now. I've lost a grand total of 3 pounds since New Years, as of today. Of course, I lost 7 pounds, then gained 12 pounds, then lost a little, then gained....you know the cycle. I'm having a hard time putting a positive spin on this for myself. But today is all we have to work with -- we can't change yesterday, and we can't control tomorrow.
So I'm trying to focus on the here and now, without bringing in those horrible self-deprecating thoughts that say I can't do it, I'll never be good enough. It's so hard. But I still believe it can be done. I can do it, and you can do it.
Not perfectly, maybe -- but adequately.
And adequately is OK.
1 comment:
Oh my gosh it's finally working... I got so frustrated yesterday that I finally gave up. I could have sent you an email, but I wasted so much time trying to comment... it ran late.
So, here goes.
I too Kathy hold myself to unrealistically high standards. It is mostly reflected in my art work. I don't do any art to avoid the finished project. Or I start a project and then don't finish it. Instead I seem to have become a collector of art supplies.
I found interest in your post about the therapy and medicine. As someone who has never been on anti-depressant drugs and in therapy I too would assume it was an easy fix type thing. Realistically I grew up with a dad who was always on antidepressant drugs and in therapy. He is better. Sometimes. He still have "break downs" where he is submitted into hospitals so they can re-regulate his meds. So I KNOW it's not as easy to fix as a broken arm or infection.
That being said, I feel from your post that you are satisfied with the steps you have taken. Or at least comfortable with them. Keep taking those baby steps Kathy, and know you are loved.
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